SMOKIN'

"Smoke smoke smoke that cigarette puff puff puff and if you smoke yourself to death
Tell St Peter at the Golden Gate that you hate to make him wait
But you just gotta have another cigarette"

.... "Smoke, Smoke, Smoke  That Cigarette" by Merle Travis/Tex Wiiliams

            On June 15th I had an anniversary, well two actually. Two that will always be linked. It was on that day two years ago that I had a heart attack. It was also the last day I had a cigarette and became an ex smoker. The one thing that I didn't want to become is one of "those" ex smokers. You know the ones who bitch louder than any non smoker ever does.

            Everyone that I knew before quitting always gives me the thumbs up and high fives  when they find out that I have continued to stick with the program. I appreciate the support, but most of those people know me well enough to know that I am not doing this because I want to. It is more out of need than want.

            Let's just say that a heart attack is a pretty effective motivator when it comes to quitting smoking .  Maybe not for everyone, but it certainly was  for me.

            When I say not everyone that became clear two days after my stay in the hospital began. One of the nurses at the time was pleasantly surprised when I didn't request to have someone walk me out to the smoking area. Smoking area? For someone who just had a heart attack? Yeah, that's what I thought too.

            While I didn't ask, I figured there was some sort of catch. Like you could only smoke the cigarettes the hospital provided and they cost $1,000 a pack. Well $999.99 after Anthem Blue Cross paid their share. As I laid there in that hospital bed I came to grips with reality that my smoking days were done. 42 years was a long run. Obviously too long.

            My smoking days and my wife Stacey's as well. The day I got out of the hospital our home became a non smoking zone. Had she not joined me on this journey, I know that I would never had made it. I will always thank her for that.  She has been a rock and a continuous support.

            Despite that unwavering support I still think about it every day. No matter what I do during the course of the day that little devil on my shoulder is always  there poking me with his pitchfork. The best I can do is brush the little bastard away and change my focus.

            While people who have never smoked will never understand what I am about to say, in all honesty, I have to say it. I loved smoking.

            If tomorrow the Surgeon General  released a statement saying they made a huge mistake and that it was actually good for you, I would be the first one in line at the smoke shop, money in hand.

            During my career as a smoker, the cigarette was tied to so many things that once I stopped they all came to the forefront of my thoughts. Like what I am doing right now, writing. You would find it mindboggling how many I would consume during the course of writing one piece. Then after I completed it I would treat myself to, what else? Another cigarette.

            You would have thought I was one of Pavlov's dogs and cigarettes were my food. There were certain things that I would do, like the completion of yard work or even answering the phone in my office, that had the same effect as Pavlov's ringing bell on me. As soon as one of those things would happen  it would be time for me to light one up. Pavlov's dogs would salivate. I would smoke. I'm not sure which was more gross. I do know which the majority of the public is thinking nowadays.

            You used to be able to smoke everywhere. Movie theatres, bars, restaurants, airplanes, even in your seats at a Dodgers game. Now you can't smoke in your own apartment and in some cases there are entire cities where you can't puff in public.

            And, in what I am sure is the wave of the future, Vietnam has become a non smoking country and one where you can't even advertise the product.

            Speaking of advertising, I think we have all got the message with the "Scared Straight" CDC advertisements that play every other commercial on TV. For someone in my position these make my quitting ever harder. Not because watching Susie getting a sponge bath from her son Daniel doesn't look enticing, but  it is a constant reminder that I am not smoking.

            As it is I have plenty of positive reminders in my life without the doom and gloom scenarios they portray. Things that while I was smoking I heard about, but thought I was immune to.

            Like the constant smell of tobacco on my hair and clothing. The presence of a constant cough and the difficulty in my breathing that was more of a wheeze than taking a breath. My ability to smell the person smoking who is two cars ahead of me at an intersection. Dude, if you are going to smoke at least roll up your window!

            Oh my god, I have become one of those ex smokers.

            It looks like I "chose" the right time to quit.

             Bill Dunn has been a published opinion columnist for 14 years. Any comments  can be sent to either our exalted  editor at  tmiller@beaconmedianews.com   or  to Bill directly at dunnsinferno@casegod.com You can also find Bill on Facebook  at :   www.facebook.com/WhenAllisSaidandDunn                          

OF BUDDHISTS AND TRANSGENDER QUEENS

            You never know how people are going to react when they buck the trends of what is considered normal. Lately it seems like those boundaries are being pushed no matter where you are in this twisted world.  A couple have caught my attention lately and I thought I would share them with you.

            Here locally we have a little brouhaha cooking up in the City of Rosemead. It started as a group of neighbors complaining about the stench coming from a local slaughterhouse and has now blossomed into a full blown religious lawsuit.

            It should never have gotten this far, but now that the Chinese American Live Poultry Vikon Inc., or CAL Poultry for short, is coming up on its city imposed closing, they are grasping at straws. In particular, the religious straw, in order to keep its doors open. So let the litigious sucking begin.

            The two owners of CAL Poultry and one of their customers are suing the City claiming religious persecution against the Buddhist religion. Apparently Buddhists rely heavily on freshly slaughtered chickens as part of their religious practice and CAL poultry is the closest one for folks here in the San Gabriel Valley.

            I'm no vegetarian nor a chicken rights activist, but I am a staunch anti stink activist and if I lived anywhere near to CAL Poultry I wouldn't care what they were doing there, I would want it gone. 

            In a true display as to how clueless city governments can be the story goes like this:  Cal Poultry opened in January 1991. Rosemead's city council passed an ordinance prohibiting  poultry slaughter within the city limits in May of 1991. For some mysterious reason the city allowed CAL poultry to keep operating. 

            CAL Poultry remained open and allowed to smell up the area until the complaints reached a fevered pitch in 2010.   That's when the current Rosemead City Council jumped into action. They ordered ALL poultry slaughterhouses in Rosemead to pack their cleavers and get out of Dodge, well Rosemead. They were given until May 13th 2012. To nobody's surprise CAL Poultry  was the only one left after 19 years and I think felt a little singled out.

            So, as  Rosemead's City Attorney was quoted as saying "the City wasn't surprised" when CAL Poultry filed their lawsuit on March 21st.  So due to the bizarre inaction of all the previous city councils of Rosemead the weirdness has begun anew instead of just ending.  Trust me kids, I couldn't make this up if I tried.

            So chicken killers suing a local city on behalf of the Buddhist religion is not weird enough for you? Then let's turn our attention to the world of beauty pageants shall we?

            The pageant in question is Miss Canada and the contestant is finalist Jenna Talackova . Over the course of the last couple of weeks we have seen Miss Talackova  go from being a contestant, to being ousted as a contestant, to being reinstated as a contestant. She has been one busy girl.

            The reason for these changes is because Jenna was born a male.  There is nothing wrong with that. Some of the best people I know were born male. Most stay that way, but who am I to deny anyone the right to follow their dreams?

            The major bone of contention here was how Jenna listed her gender on her application.  She described herself as female which is how she had viewed herself since the age of 4. The term that everyone has attached to her since this dust up began is transgender.

             Being the enlightened forward thinking individual that I am, or at least that I think I am, I thought I knew what that meant. Once I did a little research I found the transgender/transsexual waters to be muddied at best. There are numerous descriptions that Jenna could have used and transgender works as good as any of them. Let's just say, for brevity's sake, that Jenna has had all the necessary procedures to qualify her as a her.

            So more power to her. Not only do I admire her for making a decision and sticking to it, the results are amazing. She looks absolutely stunning and is a real head turner. 

            She actually looks just like the type of woman Donald Trump might hook up with or marry, but I don't think that will be happening any time soon.  You see the comb over king is the one that owns the Miss Canada pageant, as well as the Miss Universe pageant and was the first voice we heard on TMZ saying Jenna was not the type of gal the pageant wanted.  As far as he was concerned, she was out.

            That was until Jenna solicited the help of, or was it solicited by, attorney and professional self promoter Gloria Alred. All of a sudden Donny and Miss Canada changed their tune and Jenna was back in the contest.  Gloria seems to have that effect on people.

            Even though I know she won't, I really hope Jenna makes it to Miss Universe. I never watch the show, but I would if she was in the mix and I'm sure I wouldn't be the only one. I'm betting, along with Donny & Gloria, if Miss Canada is televised it will have its highest ratings ever.

            Gee I wonder if Gloria knows about CAL Poultry yet? I'm sure that's a case that she can sink her teeth in to.

Bill Dunn has been a published opinion columnist for 14 years. Any comments  can be sent to either our exalted  editor at  tmiller@beaconmedianews.com   or  to Bill directly at dunnsinferno@casegod.com You can also find Bill on Facebook  at :   www.facebook.com/WhenAllisSaidandDunn                           

THE SWARM OF THE COUNCILITES

    At times attempting to pay attention to what is going on in your
local government is not unlike having a swarm of bees living in
your head.  So began the recent buzzing in my brain.
        It started a couple of weeks ago when the current mayor in the rotation
here in Temple City, Tom Chavez, got the bad news that his city sponsored
vacation, I mean business trip, to China had been cancelled.
        He was planning on going on a currency quest to see if some foreign
investors there would like to swap some cash for permanent residency with
some EB-5 visas. EB-5 has become a very popular little program nowadays
where foreign investors with enough cash, $500,000.00  is the minimum buy
in, and the desire to live in the U.S., can work out a deal.
        Tom and his councilites wanted to use the dough to kick start what is
currently called "The Gateway" formerly called "The Piazza" but will
always be known to residents in the San Gabriel Valley as "The Fiasco at
Rosemead and Las Tunas".
        His council buddies said that due to the recent Wong, Wilson & Wang
scandal they weren't going to underwrite his little jaunt, for fear of
possibly perceived impropriety.  City manager, Jose Pulido, voiced his
disappointment saying he hoped that the cash would help them start the
Fiasco, I mean the Gateway construction at the same time they would be
starting the demolition and alleged beautification of Rosemead Boulevard.
        Say what? Okay I'll get back to that in a minute. Let me get you caught
up on the China excursion first.
        In what I personally view as kind of an odd turn of events, Randy "I
Couldn't Build A House Of Cards If My Life Depended On It" Wang who was
at the heart of the scandal that sent Cathe Wilson and Judy Wong to
prison and is the one that has been holding the corner of Las Tunas and
Rosemead hostage, is paying for a couple of members of the Temple City
chamber of commerce to go with him to China.
        Talk about your perceived impropriety. They may not be city employees,
but I have a funny feeling that the potential investors they are going
after may get the impression that they are. Just call me suspicious, but
I can hear the excuse "lost in translation" being used somewhere down the
line when future litigation is being discussed.
        Now back to the construction double dipping on Rosemead Boulevard that
city manager Pulido was referring to.
        Back in October I made a call to city hall to ask a couple of questions
on the "proposed" modifications to Rosemead Boulevard, the street on
which I live. I had received a flyer about a meeting that invited
residents to share their concerns about the "proposed" renovations. The
artist rendering shown on the flyer included solid medians full of trees,
shrubberies, and faceless people walking  and riding bicycles.
        What I wanted to know was, if there was a median in front of my driveway
that would prevent me, or anyone else, from making left turns in or out
of their driveways and businesses.
        The answer was, of course, yes.
        The people on the committee that I spoke to, Kristi and Steve, sent me
straight to the top. Via e-mail, they hooked me up with council member
and head of the committee, Carl Blum, with the requisite cc's to council
member Vince Yu and city manager Jose Pulido.
        Carl was quick on the e-mail draw. In part he stated the following: "I
understand the concern you brought up and will add it to the comments we
will receive at Thursday's meeting.  We will evaluate the input we get
and will determine what adjustments we feel need to be made to the
proposed design.  We will probably not finish that process until late
October. We will get back to you at that time."
        His email made me feel special and that my concerns mattered. The council
would see what a burden their plans would be for me and my neighbors.
They would find a way to modify their plans to please their citizens.
        I can be such an idealistic fool sometimes, and this was one of them.
        When the time frame ol' Carl had specified had come and gone I started to
smell something foul. I shot him off an e-mail to see if he and his
buddies had found their erasers yet.
        Carl's response?:  "While it would cause some minor  inconvenience to
those living on the east side of the 5100 block of Rosemead Blvd who
might wish to travel south on Rosemead Blvd, they would be able to travel
north for a short distance to Sereno and then loop around to Sultana and
then to Pentland and enter Rosemead Blvd to go south at the traffic
signal at Pentland or they could go a little further north and make a
u-turn at the traffic signal at Broadway.  It would be no different than
for those who live along the many miles of wider more heavily traveled
roadways that already have medians (including much of Rosemead Blvd,
Huntington Drive, Santa Anita Dr., and Baldwin Ave as examples)."
        I learned two things from his response. First, it confirms my long  held
belief that they put hallucinogens in the water at city hall. Second, I
now know what classifies as a "minor inconvenience" in the eyes of the
current city council.
        I wonder what they would call it  if someone put a barrier in front of
their house preventing them from making a left turn in or out of their
driveway? Somehow I don't think the word "minor" would be involved.
        A few questions popped into my spinning head as I read his email. Who
decided that the 17 million dollars available for this project should be
spent on this?  Why, just because mistakes were made on Rosemead,
Huntington and Baldwin, should we repeat them?
        And the biggest why of all? Why would anybody think it would be a good
idea to begin two major construction projects on the same street at the
same time? Isn't this something that the residents in the city, if not
all the surrounding cities, should be deciding on? Or don't you care what
kind of traffic nightmare you would be causing for all of our neighbors?
        Oh that's right, I forgot, it would only be a minor inconvenience. Kind
of like having bees living in your head.

WELL THAT CERTAINLY BLEW

            Well it was very nice to see that the San Gabriel Valley got a little press during the last couple of weeks.  As they say, "any press is good press". 

            Here in Los Angeles County this area is primarily ignored by most of the news outlets unless it pertains to something horrific or a major league political scandal.  To be honest, the last political brouhaha  we had here, Temple City's bribery dust up, was hardly a blip on the radar.

            That was until early in the morning of Thursday the 6th of December.

            The weathermen on the news had given us a brief warning. We were going to be getting some fairly strong winds, but their warning didn't come with the usual relish and apocalyptic doom that usually accompany reports pertaining to any change in our weather.

            So I was a little concerned as I heard the escalating gusts outside my window around midnight. The wind chimes were working extra hard and suddenly I started hearing some of the potted plants leaving their perches on the walls.

            This was not the usual Santa Ana winds that I was used to hearing this time of year. It was time to put down the patio umbrella before it started doing a Mary Poppins impersonation.  Once outside, my suspicions were confirmed. After my task was complete I made a hasty return to my bed.  Hopefully I would awake to a couple of barrels full of leaves and that would be the end of it.

            Boy was I wrong.

            At approximately 1:36 a.m., my wife and I were awakened once again by the winds and as soon as our eyes opened all signs of light went out.  There was nothing to do but set the cell phone as an alarm clock for work in the morning and hope for the best.

            When we got up later that Thursday the power was still off and it was as though we had landed in Oz.  When I opened my front door the pile of leaves and cypress tree droppings created a leafy version of a snow drift. While I viewed this at that moment as disastrous, I had no idea the level of the destruction I was in for beginning with the Gingko tree in my backyard which split and blew over due to the force of the winds. Fortunately it fell in my yard and neither one of my neighbors' yards.

            Once on my way to Glendale the fallen trees and vast amounts of debris that littered the streets made my journey more like a ride at Disneyland than a morning commute.  My usual route through the side streets of northern San Gabriel and east Pasadena  was blocked at every turn by huge fallen trees and branches that were bigger than my car.

            The biggest shock came at the corner of San Gabriel & Colorado Boulevards with the sight of the crushed Shell gas station. Obviously the surrealism of this vision wasn't lost on me alone. The corner was surrounded by TV news vans and appeared on the front pages of newspapers  the following day. The image became the symbolic poster child for this event.

            As anybody who lives in this area will tell you the next week would be trying on everyone's patience.  We would wake every morning to a symphony of chain saws and refrigerators of spoiling food. Those of us who were lucky had our power back in a few days, others it took a week.

            Many were calling for the heads of their city councils and local Edison/Water & Power officials with equal venom. While there were death threats made to Water & Power workers on the street by octogenarians in Pasadena, things were looking even uglier here in the City of Temple. In a town that many still refer to as Mayberry, the villagers were sharpening their pitchforks and getting ready to storm the castle, I mean city hall.

            Then, as if by magic, the balance shifted back to the majority having power instead of the other way around. People who had abandoned their homes so they could access their Facebook accounts at nearby hotels, returned. The pitchforks were put back into their outlines on the walls of the garages and the refrigerators were restocked.

            Life was good again in the land of Andy, Opie, and Aunt Bee.

Bill Dunn has been a published opinion columnist for 14 years. Any comments  can be sent to either our exalted  editor at  tmiller@beaconmedianews.com   or  to Bill directly at dunnsinferno@casegod.com   You can also find Bill on Facebook  at :   www.facebook.com/WhenAllisSaidandDunn                          

NOT JUST ANOTHER DAY

             

              I have been addicted to Halloween ever since I was a little goblin. The idea and the vibe of the holiday have always been a perfect fit with my personality.  I don't know what it is about the day. Possibly being scared, or is it the dressing up and pretending to be someone else for a brief period, or maybe it's the free candy? Maybe it's a combination of them all. At this point in my life it is hard to say.

             As a kid I had an anticipation of its arrival that was only matched by Christmas. The visions that danced in my head were certainly not that of sugarplums, whatever the hell they are. They were more along the lines of dancing skeletons.

            When I had kids of my own I loved taking them trick or treating. Though I know where their love of the holiday was based, the candy was their sole motivation for donning that costume and treading through the neighborhood. They didn't embrace the potential of being scared like I did.

            When they had outgrown their time behind the mask, I missed it and was sad that that brief period of time was over. While I mourned its passing, I consoled myself with my Halloween decorations going up earlier every year in my attempt to stretch out the holiday as long as I could.

            One of the things that I began thinking about was another Halloween loss that happened in between my being a kid and having kids. The loss of one of my favorite bands, Oingo Boingo. If ever there was a musical group that was, or should I say became, synonymous with a particular holiday, it was Oingo Boingo. The dark themes of their music were a perfect fit with the darkest of days. What Bing Crosby was to Christmas, Oingo Boingo was to Halloween.

             I watched them in concert many times, but over the years their Halloween concerts became an event. One that I looked forward to every time it happened here in Los Angeles or Orange County.

            So it was with great sadness when in 1995 they called it quits. Their leader, Danny Elfman, had been seduced by the dark side of the cinematic force. He was going to dedicate his time to making  soundtracks for the movies. Damn you Tim Burton.

            Even if they had never played another Halloween show here locally again but had stayed together I would have had that feeling of comfort knowing that they were out there whipping an audience into a dancing frenzy on All Hallows Eve.

            Then by the grace of Facebook came a sign from the ghost of Halloween's past. The drummer of Oingo Boingo, and SGV native, Johnny "Vatos" Hernandez  has put together a band, with other original members, to play many of Boingo's best songs. Some of the architects of the original band are up and partying once again. The phoenix that has risen from Oingo Boingo's ashes is "Johnny Vatos Boingo Dance Party."

            They are playing a couple of times over the upcoming Halloween weekend, including a show, appropriately, on Halloween Night. Check the internet or Facebook under the band's name for information on show times and venues. 

http://www.johnnyvatos.com/shows.asp  

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Vatos-Boingo-Dance-Party-BAND/175058705851642

            

            Johnny has taken a couple of stabs at tribute shows in the past, in 2005 and 2006, but hopefully he will keep this going for years to come. That way I can rest in peace knowing that the true soundtrack for Halloween is secure.

            Maybe then I will have visions of skeletons dancing in my head every Halloween season. That is how I like it this time of year.

Bill Dunn has been a published opinion columnist for 14 years. Any comments  can be sent to either our exalted  editor at  tmiller@beaconmedianews.com   or  to Bill directly at dunnsinferno@casegod.com   You can also find Bill on Facebook  at :   www.facebook.com/WhenAllisSaidandDunn                          

4 IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

            There are times when I have to read something more than once before the message penetrates and I realize just how bizarre it is. Such is the odd and irrational case of the fear of the number four.

            For the second time in the last six months I have read how some disgruntled Chinese homeowners in Arcadia want to change their address because the street number contains one or more fours in it. This, they contend, is the reason they can't sell their home quickly.

            In the Chinese community, superstition, according to both articles, runs high and the number four carries some particularly bad mojo with it. It is not because of the number itself. No, that would be far too easy to comprehend. The problem here lies in the world of phonetics.

            Apparently this is because word four in Mandarin happens to sound like the word for death.  And since nobody wants to have the number four in their address, some people, obviously a lot of people, are balking at buying or even looking at those properties.  

One four is bad, but heaven help you if you have more than one.  It is real estate suicide in Arcadia’s highly Asian community. Arcadia, you see, unlike some other cities in the San Gabriel Valley, refuses to change the numbers even for a fee.

            Most of us, who are not shackled by the Mandarin dialect and its superstitions, would never have known about the evil number four and its bad voodoo. That is unless you were trying to sell your home in the San Gabriel Valley and found out that somebody didn't want to even look at your property because, gasp, it had multiple fours!

            According to Adam Gulick in Temple City's planning commission office, all it takes is 500 bucks and your pesky little four will vanish from your Temple City address. He made it sound like when it does happen, which occurs about once every month or two, that the process is easy and no big deal. 

            I got a different response from Jim Donovan at Rosemead's planning commission. He said that despite what the articles in the newspaper said he does not do it easily. He personally reviews every case and makes sure that it does not have a negative impact on adjacent businesses and the neighborhood.

            But once those hurdles have been cleared Rosemead is a bargain next to Temple City. $120.00 smackeroos  gets it done. Sorry Jim, but that is way too cheap in this day and age. If homeowners want to disrupt the natural order of things over a sound alike word they should pay through the nose for it.

            One thing I was wondering about when I first read about this anomaly and its solution, if the person wanting the change got to pick the new number. According to Adam they do not have that luxury.  They cannot say "Hey I like the number 888", like some kind of home version of a personalized license plate. They have to take a number that is chronologically successive.   

            But there is still something that doesn't strike me as right about this whole process. It is like a spoiled child stomping its feet when it doesn't get a piece of candy on demand. I may want a pony, but just because I want one doesn't mean I am going to get one.

            It also makes me want to ask the current homeowners , if the number four was acceptable when you bought the house originally, where were all the objections to this superstition then? I always thought all important superstitions were based on ancient fears and wisdom, or the lack there of.

            I guess this must be a relatively new bit of mumbo jumbo that has made its way to our shores, but I think I have a couple of solutions and an explanation for these homeowners.

            One solution would be to do what many people who can't sell their homes for a couple of months do. Lower your asking price.  Second would be to try marketing your home to the non Mandarin speaking market. While they may be fewer in this area nowadays, I do believe they still exist. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

            And the explanation? It's not the number four that is preventing you from selling your house quickly right now. It's the economy.

            Trust me when I tell you that right now, those are the only numbers that count in this equation. 

Bill Dunn has been a published opinion columnist for 14 years. Any comments  can be sent to either our exalted  editor at  tmiller@beaconmedianews.com   or  to Bill directly at dunnsinferno@casegod.com   You can also find Bill on Facebook  at :   www.facebook.com/WhenAllisSaidandDunn